My life

Well my childhood, wasnt completely normal, for a start my parents were never married - my dad already had a family and he also slept with my mother's sister - well he was a lorry driver.
I lived with my mother, gran and grandad. My grandad wasnt quite right and I am gonna leave it there.
I never really got on with my mum - for a start I wouldnt take breast milk from her - anyone else i would either bottle or they tried another mother out of interest; for those who havent learnt this effect it means before birth my mother rejected me. That was apparent whenever there wasnt anyone around and not under my grans eyes. A freind of mine has her teenager daughter stoned by local kids last week and was devestated - reminded me of the time i was stoned aged 9 by kids, infront of my mother - and all she did was laugh and say I deserved it.

We didnt have a bathroom, the toilet was outside and we had spring water. I know what a tin bath is - though not infront of the fire - small kitchen - for privacy.

My gran baked the most wonderful bread, steak and kidney pies, and cheese and onion 'pie'. carnt say much for her scones though - turned out rock cakes - she should of thrown them at my grandad or mother, and my success of yorkshire puddings upset her!

My grann died when i was a teenager; I was told when i came home from school to tell her she wasnt dying if she asked, and she knew i was a very bad liar and as I couldnt face her, she made me and for years this upset me; now doing a course on death and dying it has finally come clear why she thanked me as i was the only one who was honest with her - so sad we never got to say goodbye but that was my mother's fault. And for the rest of my life I will suffer for it; thankfully I have other sense apart from the normal and have been able to 'talk to her' but some things she cannot forgive me for - my heavy burden which has excumucated me from my family, cos at the back of her mind she knew but I never said.

I was then left with a mother who liked to drink and pick up fellas at the local pub, and a grandad who was more than wierd - I saw things i shouldnt see as a teenager. But to my family i was the one that was bad; I dont take bad behaviour quietly. thankfully i found work and worked all the house I could as a teenager - I was then often ill at school - would say it effected my school work but as i had had encaphilitus as a child I was written off as been no good - despite been top of my year for pure maths, and leaving with 7 cses and 1 gce. I wanted to go to college and be a chef (in those days i loved cooking), but had to go out to work to support my mother's habbits (years later when my half sister wanted to carry on at school it was said i never wanted to do anything extra after school and my sister was so much more cleverer than me; at least I didnt have manic depression/skitzophrenia and rob whsmiths of thousands).

I was dragged up to live in yorkshire where i was first introduced to computers and was by some experts classed to be a natural - sadly I was young and foolish and listened to my loneliness and didnt think of a career. But this led to a marriage that lasted less than 2 yrs - losing everything i owned in life as I was last to know about him been a gambler and con-artist; and even know what it is like to be highly insured and poisoned.
Then i went to work back in catering - and eneded up been so good I was head hunted - sadly wouldnt of paid enough for a flat not was there overtime - i lived to work and party at night or whenever. I made the most of been single. but it was a wonderful experience to have so many job offers.

But then followed my heart and stuck out 12 yrs of domestic violence having two kids; firstly I was encouraged to stay by mother (do you get the feeling I hate her - no she is too sad to be hated, she just needs help), as i hadnt had a dad wanted my kids to have a dad, and I had a garden, and it was all i had known love to be as a child. there wasnt the support agencies and police attitude those days were crap - woman had asked for it. tried leaving twice and ended up worse off?!

Did a moonlight flit from there after telling G it was over months before but been nearly killed for the buying of that house off the council. Met 2nd hubby online - who wasnt who he said he was but hey ho, moved everything over night to derbyshire, with my kids - sadly it was too late for them to fully re-adjust, couldnt find much help and i was suffering post traumatic stress myself, had a lying cheating partner who everytime i tried to leave locked my in the bedroom, and then found i was pregnant again; I arranged for an abortion i needed to sort my kids i had out. In the 11th hour i had my partner and daughter crying their eyes out - so I gave in cancelled the abortion - never should anyone have a baby for others, and i got depressed before the birth - had a bad pregnancy and support was nil both medically and at home folloewed by postnatel depression after and moving to a new area a week before the birth. Soon after he went working away in usa, I had the neighbours from hell, more with the house next door been used as offices and at night a congregating place for teenagers on 'things'. My son tried to kill the baby - was too much without support I had to send him back to his dad's to live; hoping socialogy worked that he would see sense and not act like his dad. Eldest daughter was ill - but went thru the ropes as been a bad parent - still get labelled in derbyshire as the social services are beyond crap - nottingham are great - even dealt with my family's haressment well against me! I married the partner - always wanted to be a family - sadly not to be as he couldnt keep his pants on - and lied thru his teeth and spent all the house money on his women. Yes i came to senses and chucked him out - day the baby was ill with chicken pox and we had no food, and i wanted medicine - wsnt his place to help he said and disappeared for hours (with woman it turned out).
Then was carer for eldest - who after years of care dropped on me from great height 3 times. Move to here ended badly - arranged to move another area - moved then had to move back with a lot of things broken, then got this place - months of boxes and no baby daughter - ex-hubby took her off me as they said i was an unfit mum - no proper procedures, no courts, and proving to social services for 7 months i was a caperable mum - bend over backwards and jump thru hoops but dont agree to their accusations as its all a lie. At the time i did have support of my now ex bf, sadly perhaps too many drugs he took when out with his mates changed his brain pattern and health, he couldnt also take any responsability and left me with whiplash and concussion after been irresponsible walking my dogs - thankfully the neighbours like me and have supported me - but wouldnt like to be him if they catch up with him.

so thats me, well some of it - i am multi dimensional - and havent reached who i should be - depression doesnt help and lonliness - always wanted to be part of a family, supported, have a loving partner that doesnt make me into something i am not - probably gettig too old for that now - who wants someone like me with all this past - dont think i would.