Well despite been divorced twice, and been in a few long relationships, and having such a bad past i am still looking for a partner.
Not one night stands. been there a few times and short relationships just for sex - carnt help that i like sex - and its right as you get older you do want it more - well for me it is.
But also i want a best friend; someone i can call at the hour of need, or will listen to me moan about life's unfairness, or will advise or calm me and in the opposite spectrum put up with my mad sense of humour and not acting my age, my laziness at life - was always forced to wash up pots straight after dinner or keep the house spotless - hoovering 3 times a day. I like intelligent people - someone who can talk on loads of different subjects, and like me willing to learn more. I like to see life though i must admit some of the things that goes on these days isnt for me - drinking like a fish - carnt do it - hug the toilet with passion if I do. I dont do drugs and after been in a relatiosnhip where the other did, its not for me as you dont go out together for the night - you are alone with a stranger who doesnt care and the after effects area big no no. I want to find someone who enjoys life, sees it as still there is lots to do, and would include me - sorry btu have been on the outside too long.
Liking dogs and kids - my dogs despite their age, and been rescued with a few faults etc have also had to keep me together in the last few months - think before we never gelled - too many issues for us all, but the last few months they have been there for me as i have for them.
I am very independant - will have a go at anything - not often succesfully - no good at electrical things, now doing heavy work, carnt read maps, decorating gets slapped on, and at the mo havent a care about my house - look builders are in next week - should of been last month - back to boxes, things need replacing and the stupid government has put too many obsticles in my way to work - snarl - they havent heard the last of me yet!!!!!! i do take too much on, push myself - trying to prove i am worth something - comes from childhood - puts a lot of men off - would i have time for them etc!
I dont like smoking - have asthma, nor could i live with another who drinks like a fish. All i want is a 'normal' relationship, not too boring as i hate routines, been loved - perhaps my last relationship was the first time i found what it was like to be loved and accepted - well for the first 13 months anyway, two people together with no imabissions, not disrespect for each other, and opened up a new way of life - sadly the ex bf used hobbies and interests to shy away from it coming anyfurther - he did have a lot of hang-ups from his mother and i was his longest girlfriend and knew more about him than anyone before - very sad but thats life.
I know we are all aging etc, so perhaps good looks isnt everything; I myself need to loose weight and tone up again - was just getting to that stage after everything and then got whiplash - so all exercise equipement is getting dust and i carnt start belly dancing - yet. I am not though ashamed of my body - as one of my breasts got very small due to lumps etc and could of turned into cancer - as its now looking more bigger and perhaps thats due to not wearing a bra - think after been attacked one day that caused it been pushed and breaking ribs - not on medical record - no d.v. victim has all their injuries on record.
Also i have been raped twice. something i now dont hide; its effects from been into very sexy underwear to wearing rags became the last effect of it. Something i am changing but well been loved and respected would help. i havent as much trust in anyone these days. there is not such thing as a true friend everyone wants to inflict some sort of hurt; perhaps I am still hurting from my past and just need the nudge in the right direction.
I am not a gold digger; not looking for anyone with loads of money - I see people for who they are - a habbit i developed long ago and influeneced by courses since. money is nice but it carnt buy love and contentment just coldness and a breif thrill. i am training to work; perhaps i need to be in a relationship before i can work if the government doesnt wake its ideas up to lone parents who have no support!
But i am single and I am looking, just need someone who can light my fire - i must admit after the last relationship i am scared of been hurt - maybe physically more than emotionally, cos I dont bounce like i used to, so as someone put it i am sitting on the fence - too afraid to jump into things that end ebfore they have begun - also i have a child, she has been hurt and had so much in her life, she needs to see her mum happy not sad
Sunday, 4 February 2007
My life
Well my childhood, wasnt completely normal, for a start my parents were never married - my dad already had a family and he also slept with my mother's sister - well he was a lorry driver.
I lived with my mother, gran and grandad. My grandad wasnt quite right and I am gonna leave it there.
I never really got on with my mum - for a start I wouldnt take breast milk from her - anyone else i would either bottle or they tried another mother out of interest; for those who havent learnt this effect it means before birth my mother rejected me. That was apparent whenever there wasnt anyone around and not under my grans eyes. A freind of mine has her teenager daughter stoned by local kids last week and was devestated - reminded me of the time i was stoned aged 9 by kids, infront of my mother - and all she did was laugh and say I deserved it.
We didnt have a bathroom, the toilet was outside and we had spring water. I know what a tin bath is - though not infront of the fire - small kitchen - for privacy.
My gran baked the most wonderful bread, steak and kidney pies, and cheese and onion 'pie'. carnt say much for her scones though - turned out rock cakes - she should of thrown them at my grandad or mother, and my success of yorkshire puddings upset her!
My grann died when i was a teenager; I was told when i came home from school to tell her she wasnt dying if she asked, and she knew i was a very bad liar and as I couldnt face her, she made me and for years this upset me; now doing a course on death and dying it has finally come clear why she thanked me as i was the only one who was honest with her - so sad we never got to say goodbye but that was my mother's fault. And for the rest of my life I will suffer for it; thankfully I have other sense apart from the normal and have been able to 'talk to her' but some things she cannot forgive me for - my heavy burden which has excumucated me from my family, cos at the back of her mind she knew but I never said.
I was then left with a mother who liked to drink and pick up fellas at the local pub, and a grandad who was more than wierd - I saw things i shouldnt see as a teenager. But to my family i was the one that was bad; I dont take bad behaviour quietly. thankfully i found work and worked all the house I could as a teenager - I was then often ill at school - would say it effected my school work but as i had had encaphilitus as a child I was written off as been no good - despite been top of my year for pure maths, and leaving with 7 cses and 1 gce. I wanted to go to college and be a chef (in those days i loved cooking), but had to go out to work to support my mother's habbits (years later when my half sister wanted to carry on at school it was said i never wanted to do anything extra after school and my sister was so much more cleverer than me; at least I didnt have manic depression/skitzophrenia and rob whsmiths of thousands).
I was dragged up to live in yorkshire where i was first introduced to computers and was by some experts classed to be a natural - sadly I was young and foolish and listened to my loneliness and didnt think of a career. But this led to a marriage that lasted less than 2 yrs - losing everything i owned in life as I was last to know about him been a gambler and con-artist; and even know what it is like to be highly insured and poisoned.
Then i went to work back in catering - and eneded up been so good I was head hunted - sadly wouldnt of paid enough for a flat not was there overtime - i lived to work and party at night or whenever. I made the most of been single. but it was a wonderful experience to have so many job offers.
But then followed my heart and stuck out 12 yrs of domestic violence having two kids; firstly I was encouraged to stay by mother (do you get the feeling I hate her - no she is too sad to be hated, she just needs help), as i hadnt had a dad wanted my kids to have a dad, and I had a garden, and it was all i had known love to be as a child. there wasnt the support agencies and police attitude those days were crap - woman had asked for it. tried leaving twice and ended up worse off?!
Did a moonlight flit from there after telling G it was over months before but been nearly killed for the buying of that house off the council. Met 2nd hubby online - who wasnt who he said he was but hey ho, moved everything over night to derbyshire, with my kids - sadly it was too late for them to fully re-adjust, couldnt find much help and i was suffering post traumatic stress myself, had a lying cheating partner who everytime i tried to leave locked my in the bedroom, and then found i was pregnant again; I arranged for an abortion i needed to sort my kids i had out. In the 11th hour i had my partner and daughter crying their eyes out - so I gave in cancelled the abortion - never should anyone have a baby for others, and i got depressed before the birth - had a bad pregnancy and support was nil both medically and at home folloewed by postnatel depression after and moving to a new area a week before the birth. Soon after he went working away in usa, I had the neighbours from hell, more with the house next door been used as offices and at night a congregating place for teenagers on 'things'. My son tried to kill the baby - was too much without support I had to send him back to his dad's to live; hoping socialogy worked that he would see sense and not act like his dad. Eldest daughter was ill - but went thru the ropes as been a bad parent - still get labelled in derbyshire as the social services are beyond crap - nottingham are great - even dealt with my family's haressment well against me! I married the partner - always wanted to be a family - sadly not to be as he couldnt keep his pants on - and lied thru his teeth and spent all the house money on his women. Yes i came to senses and chucked him out - day the baby was ill with chicken pox and we had no food, and i wanted medicine - wsnt his place to help he said and disappeared for hours (with woman it turned out).
Then was carer for eldest - who after years of care dropped on me from great height 3 times. Move to here ended badly - arranged to move another area - moved then had to move back with a lot of things broken, then got this place - months of boxes and no baby daughter - ex-hubby took her off me as they said i was an unfit mum - no proper procedures, no courts, and proving to social services for 7 months i was a caperable mum - bend over backwards and jump thru hoops but dont agree to their accusations as its all a lie. At the time i did have support of my now ex bf, sadly perhaps too many drugs he took when out with his mates changed his brain pattern and health, he couldnt also take any responsability and left me with whiplash and concussion after been irresponsible walking my dogs - thankfully the neighbours like me and have supported me - but wouldnt like to be him if they catch up with him.
so thats me, well some of it - i am multi dimensional - and havent reached who i should be - depression doesnt help and lonliness - always wanted to be part of a family, supported, have a loving partner that doesnt make me into something i am not - probably gettig too old for that now - who wants someone like me with all this past - dont think i would.
I lived with my mother, gran and grandad. My grandad wasnt quite right and I am gonna leave it there.
I never really got on with my mum - for a start I wouldnt take breast milk from her - anyone else i would either bottle or they tried another mother out of interest; for those who havent learnt this effect it means before birth my mother rejected me. That was apparent whenever there wasnt anyone around and not under my grans eyes. A freind of mine has her teenager daughter stoned by local kids last week and was devestated - reminded me of the time i was stoned aged 9 by kids, infront of my mother - and all she did was laugh and say I deserved it.
We didnt have a bathroom, the toilet was outside and we had spring water. I know what a tin bath is - though not infront of the fire - small kitchen - for privacy.
My gran baked the most wonderful bread, steak and kidney pies, and cheese and onion 'pie'. carnt say much for her scones though - turned out rock cakes - she should of thrown them at my grandad or mother, and my success of yorkshire puddings upset her!
My grann died when i was a teenager; I was told when i came home from school to tell her she wasnt dying if she asked, and she knew i was a very bad liar and as I couldnt face her, she made me and for years this upset me; now doing a course on death and dying it has finally come clear why she thanked me as i was the only one who was honest with her - so sad we never got to say goodbye but that was my mother's fault. And for the rest of my life I will suffer for it; thankfully I have other sense apart from the normal and have been able to 'talk to her' but some things she cannot forgive me for - my heavy burden which has excumucated me from my family, cos at the back of her mind she knew but I never said.
I was then left with a mother who liked to drink and pick up fellas at the local pub, and a grandad who was more than wierd - I saw things i shouldnt see as a teenager. But to my family i was the one that was bad; I dont take bad behaviour quietly. thankfully i found work and worked all the house I could as a teenager - I was then often ill at school - would say it effected my school work but as i had had encaphilitus as a child I was written off as been no good - despite been top of my year for pure maths, and leaving with 7 cses and 1 gce. I wanted to go to college and be a chef (in those days i loved cooking), but had to go out to work to support my mother's habbits (years later when my half sister wanted to carry on at school it was said i never wanted to do anything extra after school and my sister was so much more cleverer than me; at least I didnt have manic depression/skitzophrenia and rob whsmiths of thousands).
I was dragged up to live in yorkshire where i was first introduced to computers and was by some experts classed to be a natural - sadly I was young and foolish and listened to my loneliness and didnt think of a career. But this led to a marriage that lasted less than 2 yrs - losing everything i owned in life as I was last to know about him been a gambler and con-artist; and even know what it is like to be highly insured and poisoned.
Then i went to work back in catering - and eneded up been so good I was head hunted - sadly wouldnt of paid enough for a flat not was there overtime - i lived to work and party at night or whenever. I made the most of been single. but it was a wonderful experience to have so many job offers.
But then followed my heart and stuck out 12 yrs of domestic violence having two kids; firstly I was encouraged to stay by mother (do you get the feeling I hate her - no she is too sad to be hated, she just needs help), as i hadnt had a dad wanted my kids to have a dad, and I had a garden, and it was all i had known love to be as a child. there wasnt the support agencies and police attitude those days were crap - woman had asked for it. tried leaving twice and ended up worse off?!
Did a moonlight flit from there after telling G it was over months before but been nearly killed for the buying of that house off the council. Met 2nd hubby online - who wasnt who he said he was but hey ho, moved everything over night to derbyshire, with my kids - sadly it was too late for them to fully re-adjust, couldnt find much help and i was suffering post traumatic stress myself, had a lying cheating partner who everytime i tried to leave locked my in the bedroom, and then found i was pregnant again; I arranged for an abortion i needed to sort my kids i had out. In the 11th hour i had my partner and daughter crying their eyes out - so I gave in cancelled the abortion - never should anyone have a baby for others, and i got depressed before the birth - had a bad pregnancy and support was nil both medically and at home folloewed by postnatel depression after and moving to a new area a week before the birth. Soon after he went working away in usa, I had the neighbours from hell, more with the house next door been used as offices and at night a congregating place for teenagers on 'things'. My son tried to kill the baby - was too much without support I had to send him back to his dad's to live; hoping socialogy worked that he would see sense and not act like his dad. Eldest daughter was ill - but went thru the ropes as been a bad parent - still get labelled in derbyshire as the social services are beyond crap - nottingham are great - even dealt with my family's haressment well against me! I married the partner - always wanted to be a family - sadly not to be as he couldnt keep his pants on - and lied thru his teeth and spent all the house money on his women. Yes i came to senses and chucked him out - day the baby was ill with chicken pox and we had no food, and i wanted medicine - wsnt his place to help he said and disappeared for hours (with woman it turned out).
Then was carer for eldest - who after years of care dropped on me from great height 3 times. Move to here ended badly - arranged to move another area - moved then had to move back with a lot of things broken, then got this place - months of boxes and no baby daughter - ex-hubby took her off me as they said i was an unfit mum - no proper procedures, no courts, and proving to social services for 7 months i was a caperable mum - bend over backwards and jump thru hoops but dont agree to their accusations as its all a lie. At the time i did have support of my now ex bf, sadly perhaps too many drugs he took when out with his mates changed his brain pattern and health, he couldnt also take any responsability and left me with whiplash and concussion after been irresponsible walking my dogs - thankfully the neighbours like me and have supported me - but wouldnt like to be him if they catch up with him.
so thats me, well some of it - i am multi dimensional - and havent reached who i should be - depression doesnt help and lonliness - always wanted to be part of a family, supported, have a loving partner that doesnt make me into something i am not - probably gettig too old for that now - who wants someone like me with all this past - dont think i would.
Just read an email which was on about blogging....
make money from it was the link etc, trying to sell books.
well anyone can blog surely to God?
Just takes a few taps of the keyboard, but then most havent got brains - sorry but I live in a council house estate - they carnt even get their wheely bins right!
I know it is hard looking at the inner thoughts... even scary for someone who has been doing it years..... at this time and moment in life i am going thru a bad patch and would just like to curl up in bed and hide..... explain in further blogs.
But well if anyone is gonna make money out of my words it will be me, as my mother and her sister cannot live for ever, then i will tell my tale, i sometimes wish i had had a quiet life maybe I should explain at some point - be an interesting concept trying not to disclose facts to full - legal reasons...
make money from it was the link etc, trying to sell books.
well anyone can blog surely to God?
Just takes a few taps of the keyboard, but then most havent got brains - sorry but I live in a council house estate - they carnt even get their wheely bins right!
I know it is hard looking at the inner thoughts... even scary for someone who has been doing it years..... at this time and moment in life i am going thru a bad patch and would just like to curl up in bed and hide..... explain in further blogs.
But well if anyone is gonna make money out of my words it will be me, as my mother and her sister cannot live for ever, then i will tell my tale, i sometimes wish i had had a quiet life maybe I should explain at some point - be an interesting concept trying not to disclose facts to full - legal reasons...
welcome
Well found this site via a magazine,
so as I like blogs here I am.
So who i am I?
Well might be a bit cagey as i have some enemies - such as family - or ex family, who dont like me making a life and being me and not obeying mother!
But i am a single parent living in Nottingham in the UK
I am over 40 but dont act it.
I have many hobbies and interests
At the moment i am a student.
I have three kids but 2 have grown up and waved bye, now just me and my next generation child, and two dogs and goldfish.
so as I like blogs here I am.
So who i am I?
Well might be a bit cagey as i have some enemies - such as family - or ex family, who dont like me making a life and being me and not obeying mother!
But i am a single parent living in Nottingham in the UK
I am over 40 but dont act it.
I have many hobbies and interests
At the moment i am a student.
I have three kids but 2 have grown up and waved bye, now just me and my next generation child, and two dogs and goldfish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)